Monday, October 03, 2011

Things I'll never say...

A/N: I discovered this draft from around February. I like discovering these things and seeing how much things have changed.

He loves me. He loves me not. Sigh.
 He loves me. He loves me not..

Daisies. Magic 8 balls. Eyelash wishes. Horoscopes. Why do we believe in all these things so much? This isn't meant to be a depressing post btw, just pondering. I don't know you yet and yes I have deleted all my previous posts in some strange identity crisis last year (initiated by the idea of creating a clean slate). So Hello. How are you? Im just your typical neurotic art student (illustration to be specific and no that doesn't necessarily mean cartoons.)

>Im currently working on the age old theory that if I don't think about it, finding someone...him, that eventually it will work the other way around. This is easier said than done. Especially when he rings you and texts you all the time and asks questions that no one else bothers to. I've ran away from him multiple times to try and erase him but no matter how I treat him he's still there waiting. But he has a girlfriend. If I was Jane Austen's Emma (as laughable as that is), he'd be Frank Churchill. or sadly if I was Harriet he'd be....eurgh Im not even going there.

> I'm home for the week from University for an "independent study week". I love home. I don't think its possible to fully appreciate it until you've left. Sad but true. I needed a break, it's been so intense. There is much more pressure to work things out for yourself and to cope.



bpoajf0j9sv 0dsvj 0dvj d0jv 0djv sv. (Possibly the sound my brain makes trying to function.)
Sometimes I wish there was an invention that would allow some form of brain defrag. A method a little bit like recycling. Oh wait. I think this may be called sleep.

I am, once again, unprepared and doing nothing about it. Im a serial offender when it comes to procrastination. Its an addiction. Although at least with an addiction you actually achieve something.

Year 2.

Smile. Focus. Work super hard. Be healthy. Be a good girlfriend/friend/daughter/grand daughter/neice/cousin/student. Relaxed. Organised.

Fingers crossed.

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Home is where the heart is

Its a cheesy title, I know. Ive officially moved into my new shared house! Im trying to be chipper with my new housemates but Im struggling. I never find being away from home easy which I think is difficult for some people to understand. Especially if they're loving their new found freedom and independence. I become consumed by a similar feeling to grief whenever I move back to University. Its so hard. Perhaps it's irrational. But its a mourning period I always go through. Although it's getting better each time.
 I have so much to do tomorrow.
 1. Unpack
 2. Buy Food
 3. Finish summer project (yes, that one you should have done during summer, not the day before it's due)
 4. Work out what the hell Im going to cook. Although I guess this should be done before I shop for food. i.e. Search for Student recipes.

I went against my introvert nature today and agreed to go out to a bbq with my new flatmates. Im still trying to work out whether this was a mistake or not. I didn't want to miss out but at the same time I know how terrible I am with talking to people I dont know. Especially where drinking is concerned. I hate it when people force you to drink.

Have a tequila. You know you want one. Oh go on. It tastes good. Its sweet. Have a tequila. Im not gonna stop asking. Have a tequila.

No.. Im okay.

Have a tequila. Go on.

Actually I think Im going to go now. Im tired. Ive been travelling all day.

Have a tequila. Train. Travelling. Whatever. You'll feel great after some tequila.

Ive just been travelling on a train for 6 and half hours and Ive walked across a city that id forgotten the layout of and I panicked and I ended up walking for 30 minutes in this ridiculous heat (28 in october) with a suitcase, backpack and handbag. Im tired. Im hungry. I don't even know you. I am an emotional wreck. Please bugger off. Im sure you're a great person but please, leave me be.

Its at these events that I struggle to be like me. Im a quiet person but I try to add to conversation and it just goes wrong. With my own friends. It would be fine but here is different. I have to be careful with what I say and how I act. I dont end up like me. The entire time I had a lump in my throat and it was awful. I missed him. I missed my friends.

I miss home.